Words by Allyson

Found this picture while cleaning out my phone. Not sure what it is, but I really like it.

Everything is coming together. It's been a long time coming and I'm happier than I can say about it. And so I present (some of) the things that made me happy over the past week or so.

I don't know how I got so lucky to be a part of my family, but I will always be grateful for it.

My mom came to visit me this month and there were a few moments where I found myself struck with how grateful I am that I get to be her daughter. Over Thanksgiving, I got to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law for what felt like the first time in a long time. These two experiences got me thinking a whole lot about how lucky I am.

I'm grateful for a family who love each other very much. I'm grateful for siblings who ask my advice, who remind me to be brave, who make me laugh, and who quote movies no one else has seen. I'm grateful for parents who love others and are kind, who taught their children truth, who always set a wonderful example for us, and still like to do fun things with us.

The past few weeks have been a little crazy. I'm finally coming out of it, and despite all of my concerns, I'm actually really enjoying October this year. I present a snapshot of the past two weeks in a list.

I locked myself out of my bedroom. I didn't even know my bedroom door could lock.

On the first day of October, I went to Gadsby's Tavern

Alright, October. You're off to a good start. Well, mostly.

I'm feeling optimistic, so let's make sure this time around, we do things right. I'm determined to like October this year.

One of my co-workers told me the key to it is doing fall activities. So, I bust out the hot chocolate and cozy sweaters. I've research apple orchards near my house for a weekend activity (although...I'm not sure how many apples I can eat. Does it count if you only pick about 12?). I draw the line at the haunted house; I'm absolutely certain that will not contribute to my ability to sleep at night.

We can do this, right? I know we can.

October, my friend, this is our year.

Yesterday at work, someone reached out to the staff and asked if they could host a cake tasting in our space. She had a little setup and we could try several new flavors they're experimenting with. The key lime was to die for.

Yesterday was also my grandparents anniversary. Even though, they've both passed away now, it made me feel really happy.

I've got lunch plans tomorrow and Thursday, and I'm pretty excited about both of them.

CHVRCHES new album came out on Friday. I've listened to it at least ten times. Make Them Gold and High Enough to Carry You Over are my favorites.

I've already started shopping for my 2016 planner.

For the first time in my entire life, I found a pumpkin scented candle that I actually like -- cinnamon pumpkin muffin. It's actually probably the cinnamon that I like, but I'm still counting it a success.

I listened to this interview about microagressions and victimhood culture on the way home from work, and I cannot stop thinking about it. Also, I've got back on the podcast train, and I'm wondering why I ever got off.

In the past weeks, I've been feeling especially loved. It's a wonderful thing.

image via

I've been really quiet in this space for a long time. It's mostly because I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm in transition. It seems like everything in my life is tentative and could change at any moment, thus I'm far too afraid to say anything for fear of it changing and having to recant. This nervousness seemed to have seeped into every part of my life. I'm distracted. I find even the simplest of decisions leaves me a bit unsure. More often than I'd like to admit, I just don't make a decision. And if I think about things too much, I start to feel really lost.

The thing is nothing is actually changing.

That's what happens when you don't make decisions -- nothing changes. And all of this anxiety is energy poorly spent.

Last week, I met up with a friend from BYU who has just recently moved to DC. We got to talking a bit about what we were like the last time we'd seen each other two years ago, back when I was working on being Brave. It's a conversation I've been replaying in my head. For a little while, I remembered what that felt like.

While I certainly don't think the past two years have been a mistake or a failure, my chest feels hollow when I think about the person I was and why those habits that I worked so hard to form are fading. They're not all gone, but I'm not nearly as dedicated to it now. WHY? Why did I lose sight of one of the best decisions I've ever made, a decision that I have never once regretted?

I want to do that again. I want those habits to become second nature like they used to be, and I don't want to lose the skills I already have.

Here's to making decisions, and being Brave again.